Wednesday, February 18, 2015

To my unborn little girl

I've been trying to think of how I'm going to explain my depression and anxiety to you. There will be days when I am sad for no reason and I know that being a child you'll likely think that it's because of something you've done, or not done. And it's highly possible that you'll receive a genetic tendency towards these issues too so I want to explain something that it has taken me my entire life to figure out.

Hopefully by now we've talked about all of the wonderful strengths and talents that Heavenly Father has given us. Everyone that has been born has them. We talk a lot about them at church. For example, God has given me a great strength in interacting with children and taking care of people. He has given Daddy the talent of problem solving and a great strength in organizing and planning. I'm not sure what your strengths are but we'll discover them together.

What we don't often mention when we talk about God-given strengths are the God-given weaknesses that go with them. I have clinical depression and anxiety. That means that sometimes I just get sad for no reason. I've had it since childhood but didn't recognize it/ it became noticeable in high school. I felt broken somehow. Why when my life is so great and wonderful am I so sad? Something must be terribly wrong with me. I  prayed so hard and so often for help in coping with this overwhelming sadness that I created a strong relationship with my Savior Jesus Christ. Jesus loved me even though I was broken. Here is the big lesson I've finally learned, I am not broken. I am exactly the way that Heavenly Father created me to be. I have been given this particular weakness on purpose. It is not a personal failing. It is not caused by anything I have done. It is just a part of me, like my freckles and blue eyes. It is a gift from God to me, an opportunity to learn and grow the way that I need to. So please, my sweet girl, just give me hug when I'm sad. Sing me song, remind me that my weakness is gift from the Divine and therefore will always merit divine help.

If someday you feel sad for no reason, or experience something else that feels out of your control, remember that God gives us both strengths AND weaknesses. So when you are feeling weak, remember that you are supposed to feel that way sometimes but also remember that you are strong. Remember that with Heavenly Father and Jesus beside you, you are strong enough to conquer anything.


Todd said...

Why did it get so dusty in here? My eyes seem to be reacting to it.

Love you, sis, and I'll love the stuffing out of your little miracle, just like I love the stuffing out of all the nieces and nephews I've got. She is going to be so blessed to have her parents and the stuggles and strengths that you have will only bolden and better her and you. You've been full of motherly love all your life. I'm so excited that you get your own little focal point to direct it at, now.

Geevz said...

Beautifully written Sis! Made me tear up too.

Daniel and Bonita said...

Hi my dear! This is Aunt B and I just wanted to thank you for your beautiful insights. (And Todd, I think it must be dusty here , too.) If it is ok, I would like to share some of them in my Relief Society lesson on Sunday? I sure do love you and

Katie said...

So sweetly written. She will be lucky to have you as a momma, on good days and not so good ones!

Emily said...

Oh this made me cry. I can relate to this, and you put it so perfectly. Thank you. I had one of "my" days this hit hard tonight. I love you!

jeanene c said...

Being your Mom, my first reaction was Ohhhh I should have done more to help you. Then I step back and realize that you did such a great job managing it on your own that maybe that was how it was supposed to be. One hard part of parenting is allowing your kids to manage their struggles themselves, especially now days. Parents tend to think they must fix everything so their kids don't have to do anything hard. Thank you for depending on your one perfect parent. He does Know how much and how to best to help with all your/our trials. You are Amazing!!!