I've been feeling kind of worn down lately. The last two or three weeks have been unexpectedly hard for me. I know it's partially cumulative sleep deprivation but it's also more than that. I was reading in the Book of Mormon in 2 Nephi chapter 14:4 which is Isaiah talking about the cleansing daughters of Zion by a spirit of burning. I read a note that I had recorded at some point earlier and it says "When the Lord comes with the spirit of burning, will I be consumed because of my imperfections? Or will I stand firm having already been tested in a fiery furnace?" It got me thinking about times that I have been in a fiery furnace and there have been some very hot furnaces in my life but they were mercifully short (ish) in duration. Motherhood is not a short, crazy hot furnace; it's a long, slow burn. True it will have flare ups of greater intensity but for the most part it's slowly and steadily burning my imperfections away. I don't really know how to cope with this yet. I mostly prefer sprints to distance races so enduring the slow burn is a new lesson for me, a hard lesson for me. It takes a more trust in a way to endure this life long spirit of burning because there is no end. Ever. Motherhood is an eternal calling and I just have to trust that Heavenly Father knows what he is doing and if this furnace breaks me, like past ones have, that the mended Elena will be stronger with a larger capacity to endure. Thank you to all who help me along the way, your words are often answers to prayers. Especially my sisters, who know what to say to comfort me so often. So I end with the false bravado that has long served the Castillo sisters:
"Psh, I got this."
5 comments:
It is long lasting but it does have some easier, as well as tough times. This stage is very tiring for every one! Try not to look ahead cause it feels like forever! Take everything a little at a time, and be patient with yourself. While it burns out some of one's faults, it also fuels many achievements! Love you so much!
And got it you do. (*he's going to repeat himself, slowly) And. Got. It. You. Do.
You're an amazing sister, and a fabulous mom. Heck, right now you're about as perfect a mom as you'll ever be. You still have all the answers and can solve 99.9% of Penny's problems. Go you! If you need a brotherly hug through the phone, let me know.
You made me tear up a bit. Mended Lena is stronger! "Psh, I got this" really has served us well :)
You really can do it. In fact, you are doing it! You made it through yesterday with everyone alive, and sometimes that is a huge accomplishment! Penny is lucky to have you, remember that!
I love your analogy! I feel the same way - a long slow eternal process of discovering my faults and then trying to change. I might be biased, but I think we all get broken a little through the process. But also built back up again and again. One of these days, we will have to get our girls together.. maybe when they have non-sleeping babies of their own?
Post a Comment